I Won't Go Home Without You
by acrid-april
Summary: Does she think I'm not sick and tired of it too? Does she think that I'm enjoying this? I let out a deep sigh, air rushing out of my lungs all at once. I'll never know what she thinks, because she refuses to talk about it with me. I'm not much better. Every time she has tried to talk, I push it away. I know I can't run from my problems for the rest of my life, but I sure can try.


I can't stand her.

_I love her._

I wish she would just leave and never come back.

_Every time she walks away, my heart breaks._

I don't need her.

_I want her._

She just doesn't understand why I'm doing this.

_She's the only one who truly understands me._

I slam my cellphone down onto the dark wooden table that sits by the side of the couch. The sound of it hitting the hard surface echos throughout the house. No one but me is around to hear it - my father has been gone for almost two weeks now on a business trip, and I haven't had anyone over in that period of time. The lights are dimmed, and long shadows fall across the living room. I've been sitting here in the darkness for hours, my legs going numb from not moving at all. I can still see the text message when I close my eyes, as if it's burned into my mind.

**i'm not going to wait around for forever. i'm sick and tired of this, Jade.**

Does she think I'm not sick and tired of it too? Does she think that I'm _enjoying_ this? I let out a deep sigh, air rushing out of my lungs all at once. I'll never know what she thinks, because she refuses to talk about it with me.

I'm not much better, though. Every time she has tried to talk, I push it away. I know I can't run from my problems for the rest of my life, but I sure can try.

I stare at the small, illuminated screen of the cellphone. There haven't been any new texts for a while, but I'm going to sit here and wait until there is. Maybe she'll give me something that I can respond to. Something simple.

She doesn't. In fact, she doesn't give me anything at all. I sit in the shadow filled living room for another hour, but I haven't recieved any new texts or calls - besides something from Cat that I don't pay any attention to. Figuring that I can't sit here for the rest of the night, I get to my feet, ignoring how unusual it feels to walk. I make my way into the kitchen, the hard tile of the floor hurting my feet. I ignore the slight ache and walk to the cabinets, pulling out some instant soup type thing, and then putting it in the microwave. I stand close by, watching as the orange light spills out of the glass, giving off a faint glow. I watch the timer tick down until it reaches zero, and a beeping sound fills the air. I open the microwave and grab the container, getting a spoon from the drawers before I return to the couch, flopping down onto it. I keep the container of soup on my lap, which radiates heat. I turn the TV on and settle on some over the top reality TV show, and start to pick at my soup, taking small sips of the broth.

Eventually, my stomach starts to turn, and I give up eating altogether. The stomach pain doesn't go away, so I go to search for some pain pills. I find them in the bathroom, and take a few before returning to the couch once again. I try to get involved in what's on the TV, but my mind is spinning with thoughts of her. I can't spend one moment not wishing that she would text me again, or even call, and I would finally have a way to answer her. I know that won't happen, though, so I settle for watching two girls pulling at each others hair and swearing a million times.

A minute later, my phone buzzes.

I instantly straighten up, reaching for it, opening up the new text message.

**i'm coming over. i'll be there in ten minutes.**

My heart starts racing - from excitement or fear, I can't tell - and I want to instantly text her back and say 'No no no please don't do that I don't think I could handle that right now', but despite my fingers hovering over the buttons, I don't reply.

She'll be over here in ten minutes. She'll expect me to be willing to talk. I won't be willing - or at least I won't be ready. I've never been good with words, and when it came to her...

I let out a frustrated sigh, throwing the phone back onto the table, burying my face in my hands. I try to prepare myself, but there's nothing I can do besides lie to myself and say everything will go fine.

I need to find something to occupy me until she arrives. If I don't, I'll be pacing around the house for a whole ten minutes. I decide that I'll clean out my messages on my phone - I haven't done that in a while, and it will keep me busy.

Soon, I find out that this was a terrible choice. In the process of clearing out my old messages, I come across ones that hurt to read.

**i miss youuu. i can't wait until tomorrow :{)**

**am i allowed to call you Jadey or are stupid nicknames banned? ;{)**

**i love you, Jade 3**

The date of the last text is over three months ago. That was the last time Tori had told me that she loved me. I hadn't doubted that she stopped over the previous three months, but I missed seeing her silly little texts or messages she'd leave for me. I was never one for the cheesy aspects of relationships, and I was sure that if anyone else sent me things like that I would never speak to them, but with her it was different. I never participated in sending overly romantic texts, but I enjoyed getting them more than I should have.

I leave the texts between me and Tori alone, and move on to the others. I have all the messages I want gone cleared in the next few minutes, and I return to the messages between me and Tori. Three months ago, the messages were only rarely interupted by a depressing text. Now, all of them hurt.

Putting the phone down, I idily fiddled with lose strings on my shirt, checking the time every few seconds.

One more minute, and she'd be here.

I didn't want to have to face her. I wanted to hide, to run away. Maybe if I refused to open the door, she would go away eventually, and I wouldn't have to deal with this.

There was a sharp, quick knock on the door. I jumped, startled, looking over at the door with wide eyes. This was it - either keep her locked out, or let her in, and have to actually talk about everything for once.

I stood up and slowly walked to the door. The metal felt cold on my skin as I turned the door knob, opening the door.

I stood silently, staring at her for a moment. She leaned up against the door frame, looking worn out and tired. She was wearing one of my hoodies that I must have lent her a while back.

Without an invitation, she walked inside. I turned to face her, and saw her now leaning up against the couch.

It was completely silent for a while, just the two of us staring at each other, gazes never wavering.

Then, she finally spoke.

"I'm not here so we can just stare at each other," she said, voice quiet.

I scoffed. "I know. You're here so you can force me into talking to you-"

"I'm not forcing you into anything!" she snapped. It wasn't often that I saw Tori get mad, but she definitely was now. Her arms were crossed defensively, and her brown eyes were lit with fury.

I took a deep breath, staring down at the floor. I didn't know what to say, so I just hoped that she'd continue talking.

"I'm not forcing you into _anything_." she repeated, voice steady and controlled now. "I'm doing this for you. I'm here for you." she said. "I've been so close to just giving up on this and letting everything go. It's obvious that you don't care - or at least don't care as much as I thought you did," her voice cracked slightly, but she continued talking as if it hadn't happened. "I don't want to leave you. I don't want to hurt you." she mumbled. "I should have left such a long time ago. If I wasn't so wrapped up in this, I would have. But I'm still here, trying to work things out. I can't do it alone, and you aren't helping one bit."

"Don't you think I'm _trying_?" I said in an exasperated voice. "I care about this, whatever we have, so much, I..." I trailed off, shaking my head. "I'm scared, and I'm confused, but I'm trying my hardest. It might not be good enough for you, but it's all I can offer." These words came to me easily, as if they had been waiting to be said for a while.

I thought I saw Tori's expression soften for a moment, but then it changed to a scowl. "Trying your hardest? Is trying your hardest ignoring me constantly? Never replying? Running away every time I try to talk to you?"

I grimace, knowing that what she's saying is justified. Maybe I'm not trying my best. Maybe that's just what I've made myself believe.

"You can't expect me to do everything right," I say, in a desperate attempt to save some of my honor.

"I don't expect you to do everything right. I don't do everything right, Jade, but I sure try to. And when I say that I try, I mean it."

Her words sting, but I ignore it. She shouldn't be judging me like this. She should be helping me, walking me through this.

I know I can't rely on her for everything. I know I need to stop acting like a kid and be mature. But I can't. I just can't do it.

Do I _want_ to do it? Do I want to try to solve these problems?

The question hangs over me like a dark storm cloud that lingers low in the sky, always there, never leaving, not for a single moment.

"Either you start helping, actually trying, or..."

She doesn't finish her sentence, but I know where it's going.

"How can I try to do anything when I don't even know what it is that I'm doing?" I ask, looking up at her, our eyes locking again.

"It's not my job to tell you that, Jade. I can't do everything for you. You have to figure out some things by yourself."

Suddenly, anger rises up in me. "God damn it!" I snap, and I see Tori's eyes flash with fear. "_You_ need to stop acting so fucking self righteous! I'm not the only one who's fucked up!" I say, glaring at her. "This isn't just my problem to fix - it's _ours_, Tori. Both of us are involved. You can't just sit back and act like you've never done a single thing wrong."

She starts to get angry, too. "I haven't ignored you for weeks and weeks. I haven't disappeared when you needed me most. This is your problem, Jade. It's up to you to fix it. I've done everything I could for you, and it's just backfired on me. I've tried everything. I don't want to deal with this anymore. Unless you can change something, fix all the problems, I'm going to give up on this. It isn't worth my time, standing around and talking to someone who refuses to listen, refuses to reply."

And then she's heading towards the door, storming away from me like I'd so often do to her. Before I had a chance to open my mouth, she was out of the door, slamming it behind her. I could hear the sound of a car starting and pulling out of the gravel driveway, and then she was gone.

I collapsed onto the couch, balling my hands into fists, beating them against the pillows, biting down on my bottom lip to keep myself from screaming. A million emotions rushed through me - anger, frustration, sorrow, and, of course, always there, love.

I breathed in and out slowly and carefully until my breathing was steady and I had calmed down. I sat up, staring blankly down at the floor. My mind was blank - of course there were a ton of things to think about, but I just wasn't able to gather the energy to do so.

I just wanted to curl up and sleep for forever.

I did just that, minus the forever bit.

It only took a few minutes before I started to drift off into peaceful darkness, where I was able to forget about everything that happened.

I knew it wouldn't last long, but I sure as hell was grateful for any amount of solace I could get.


End file.
